


Mais vrai, j'ai trop pleuré! Les aubes sont navrantes

by tenderisthedawn



Category: Secret History - Donna Tartt, the secret history
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22798816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenderisthedawn/pseuds/tenderisthedawn
Summary: Francis' few moments before and after attempting suicide.
Relationships: Francis Abernathy/Charles Macaulay, Francis Abernathy/Henry Winter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Mais vrai, j'ai trop pleuré! Les aubes sont navrantes

One of the last images laying on Francis’ mind, at that very moment; a still of his cottage, the lake to be precise, at dawn. In the middle of the composition, someone he knew well enough.  
The light enhanced the frame, created a halo, some sort of crown to their head.

More than romantic, Francis thought of it as ridiculous and laughed.

Absurd, useless, none of it mattered. If the last thing his brain was going to remember was an Eden, one that belonged to fiction, then he was screwed.  
“Leave me alone Charles. Can’t you see that I’m bleeding?”  
*  
He woke up in the white room, brighter than the sun, blinding almost and the revelation, in an instant, that he was alive. Les aubes sont navrantes but they didn’t work.  
The white noise that accompanied the room, a reminder of life, his weak body dependent on machines; another one. The drugs in his body made everything look like he was trapped inside of some kaleidoscope, his limbs felt numb and thus the previous events came back to him.  
He wasn’t asking for help when he tried to kill himself. Francis was ready to die, not only mentally but physically as well, his body in a slumber, one decaying mood that he himself didn’t know if appeared before or after deciding the way he was going to die. It did not matter. It was as if every day of his life since they killed Bunny (not even the first murder, but Bunny in particular) was a nonstop fall like he was always falling off a cliff and each attempt to save himself led him, instead, to the irremediable death.   
His last wish, before ending with his life was to say goodbye to his old friends.   
The ones he shared the ominous secret with.  
The letters were all sent, he even wrote one for Henry, in a desperate effort.

“I’m being brave here, Henry. Honorable. Traveling life is not as easy as it seems. I was in the wrong. Hubris killed you, but me? The opposite.”

Undeniably the hardest one to write wasn’t Henry’s but Charles’. 

“Charles Macaulay” he recalls writing. With cursive, elegant.

“ Aujourd’hui les mots nos abandonnent. This is my last attempt to reach out to you.” 

The letter started. 

“And because I’m dying soon I wanted you to know this: you are my dearest friend. The path that you have followed is something that I cannot control. The only thing I can do is write this letter. If it reaches you, I’m content with the thought of you reading my last words and maybe smiling because I’m your dearest friend too. I’d like to believe in such a thing. If you do not receive my letter, I won’t know anyway, for that I’m grateful. One last thing, before this is over. I remember us, at my house, years ago. It was raining and I loved you so much.”

Soon, Francis finds himself falling asleep and waking up like in a loop. He had people visiting him, including Richard. He knew well enough that waiting for Charles was, the least plausible thing on earth. And still, he waited.   
Months even years after his recovery, on rainy afternoons or orange sunsets, he would recall his past, and, deep in his mind, the same frame, the same luminosity around Charles’ head.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I`m back but at the same time, this is my first time writing TSH fanfiction so I'm both excited and nervous. I loved this book and its characters so much that I needed to write something. Francis' and Charles relationship was always interesting to me, so in this little fic I wrote all of it.  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated.  
> I hope you liked.!  
> yell at me on twt; @boreoloveclub


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